I hate this!

 God I hate this! the constant wondering and worry, the "what ifs" and "whys". I've no reason to be thinking in the negative with regards to this particular person, nothing has been done to me that I can think of by this person that would give me reason to question their sincerity or honesty. I have to stop judging people based on what they have done in the past or what I have heard. It's not fair to them and it's not fair to me either. Sometimes I just want to scream and throw my hands in the air over it and others I just adopt a passive aggressive attitude about it, neither of which are healthy.


Some days are better than others but then there are those days where I turn molehills into mountains and create situations and scenarios based on next to nothing, my thoughts control me and I end up working myself into an anxious, uptight mess over my perception of something, not on how it probably actually is. I guess my past clouds my judgment and I have a hard time separating the past from the present, letting my prior experiences dictate what "will happen" regardless of whether it's actually possible.


I always expect people to let me down, because, for the most part that's what I'm used to. I have very few people in my life that I can count on to be there for me 100%, people that would never intentionally do something knowing it would hurt me or damage our relationship. It's sad when the people closest to you are the ones that aren't there for you but for multiple reasons you can't just walk away from it. It's just not that easy. Those that I trust, I trust completely with anything and everything and, so far, for the most part they've not let me down so I cling to them and keep them in my life because those types of people are so very hard to find. 


Each day is a challenge and it wears me out. I wake up ready to face the day, battle armor on, growl ready and go through my daily routine mostly ok, but ready to take a stand if necessary either over real or imaginary obstacles. By the time the day is over and I'm home, I'm emotionally worn out, and really don't want to do much of anything because I've exhausted myself by imagining and fighting scenarios in my head that I, for some reason can't seem to walk away from. I truly hate it, and would love more than almost anything to be able to be at peace with the demons that torment me, the emotions that seem to rule my world and the skewed perception that no matter what, I'll never be quite enough.