DO NOT BE AFRAID

Do not be afraid my love,
do not be afraid, for I am with you,
I will chase away your demons and
dry your tears.

I will stand by your side and fight your battles,
bandage your wounds, and carry you when you can't
take another step.

I will celebrate the good times and cry over the bad,
I will walk with you wherever you may go, no matter where
the path may lead.

I shall always be here for you, no matter the time or situation,
remember this and do not be afraid my love...do not be afraid.

Tammy Haraga
11-5-10

I hate this!

 God I hate this! the constant wondering and worry, the "what ifs" and "whys". I've no reason to be thinking in the negative with regards to this particular person, nothing has been done to me that I can think of by this person that would give me reason to question their sincerity or honesty. I have to stop judging people based on what they have done in the past or what I have heard. It's not fair to them and it's not fair to me either. Sometimes I just want to scream and throw my hands in the air over it and others I just adopt a passive aggressive attitude about it, neither of which are healthy.


Some days are better than others but then there are those days where I turn molehills into mountains and create situations and scenarios based on next to nothing, my thoughts control me and I end up working myself into an anxious, uptight mess over my perception of something, not on how it probably actually is. I guess my past clouds my judgment and I have a hard time separating the past from the present, letting my prior experiences dictate what "will happen" regardless of whether it's actually possible.


I always expect people to let me down, because, for the most part that's what I'm used to. I have very few people in my life that I can count on to be there for me 100%, people that would never intentionally do something knowing it would hurt me or damage our relationship. It's sad when the people closest to you are the ones that aren't there for you but for multiple reasons you can't just walk away from it. It's just not that easy. Those that I trust, I trust completely with anything and everything and, so far, for the most part they've not let me down so I cling to them and keep them in my life because those types of people are so very hard to find. 


Each day is a challenge and it wears me out. I wake up ready to face the day, battle armor on, growl ready and go through my daily routine mostly ok, but ready to take a stand if necessary either over real or imaginary obstacles. By the time the day is over and I'm home, I'm emotionally worn out, and really don't want to do much of anything because I've exhausted myself by imagining and fighting scenarios in my head that I, for some reason can't seem to walk away from. I truly hate it, and would love more than almost anything to be able to be at peace with the demons that torment me, the emotions that seem to rule my world and the skewed perception that no matter what, I'll never be quite enough.            

The line in the sand

     "What you allow to happen will continue to happen". what a loaded statement and so very true! quite often we allow those people in our lives, the ones we really care about to get by with things that we normally wouldn't allow. I'm not saying that's necessarily a bad thing but when it happens over and over it becomes a habit and you end up setting a precedent for behavior and habits that you end up disliking and that can very easily hurt you in the end.
     So what do we do? we draw a line in the sand when we see this behavior happening, we tell this person that is engaging in this behavior "look once is OK, you had a good reason for....but it's happening quite a lot and I feel like you are taking advantage of me, it needs to stop" If they are your true friend then they will recognize the pattern and do their part to stop it, but you have to do yours as well by refusing to continue to put up with the behavior and calling their attention to it when it becomes uncomfortable. If this "friend" continues to do these things even after you've mentioned it to them and they show little remorse or are constantly making excuses for their behavior then you have to re-evaluate your relationship with them and if it's worth continuing.
     Confronting a friend or family member on something is never a pleasant experience and it can leave us feeling nervous and anxious, especially if they've been a close friend or someone you have a close relationship with. You wonder what you will say, and how they will take it, will the relationship still be intact or ultimately will things end. Who knows but sometimes it's better to bring the behavior to their attention and make the attempt to change things and preserve what you have rather than automatically assume the person knows that their behavior is causing an issue and just cut them out of your life.
     Doing this sometimes brings the relationship to a whole new and better level and opens the lines of communications in ways you may not have imagined, and other times, well, it may just bring things tumbling down like a tower of carelessly stacked bricks.  You just never really know. You do owe yourself the right to not be taken advantage of, to have people in your life that accepts you and treats you like you would treat them. If they can't or won't do that then maybe they would be better off somewhere else.  

       

**Import from old blog 2008**
Do you ever sit back and really take a look at your life? examine it and think "this is exactly where I thought I would be", or "no, this is nothing like what I thought my life would be like"? Sometimes I do this and I realize that even with my job, my family, photography, reiki, volunteer work and friends that my life is pretty lonely. I seem to exist for others, that my sole purpose in life is to make others happy. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad I can do that, I enjoy making the people I care about smile and feel better about things, it's just something I do. But at the end of the day or when I'm in a blue funk there's really no one to return the favor. I do have friends that care about me (you know who you are) and listen but sometimes it's still a feeling of aloneness. I sometimes feel that I walk a path and I walk it in a detached sort of way, not quite by myself but not as a part of anything either. The listener to problems, the one who works to help others problems go away, the one who puts her problems and worries aside to help her friends because it's what she does, doesn't have someone to pick up a sword and help her fight her demons so to speak, maybe it's because I don't ask, I'm so used to being the one that people turn to, I haven't figured out how to let others step in and help me, maybe I'm just uneasy about letting others help me or maybe it's just how I am, who knows. I know there are people in my life that would pick up that sword so to speak and fight that fight just as I would for them, maybe one day I'll be willing to let them do that. Either way, sometimes it doesn't matter who you have in your life, what you do, or where you're at, sometimes when you look at the whole picture, it's really just you and that's pretty lonely

lessons learned or re-learned

So it has been a very long while since I have written here.  I've been very busy, and as it has a way of doing so, life seems to have gotten in the way of my intentions.  I'm back and going to try to pick up my blog. Been busy with multiple things, some fun and exciting some a bit scary, but all worked out, at least for now.  Here are several things I have learned, or re-learned since my last post:

1. Things really do happen for a reason, we can question situations all we want, but until we are meant to understand them( and sometimes we won't) let them play out as much as we can and see where they take us.

2. Take care of yourself, no one else will, you have this one body, honor and respect it.

3. Hold on to your friends, tell them how important they are to you and take the opportunity to show them you care. The true ones will never judge you but will stand by you no matter what, ready to be what you need.

4. Laugh, doesn't matter if you are by yourself or with others, laugh, it's good for you and for those around you.

5. Let go, sometimes as much as you want to hold on to people, you have to let them go, letting someone go doesn't mean you don't care about them anymore, it just means that you recognize, for whatever reason, their presence in your life is done and the courteous and correct thing to do is to allow them to leave.  Bless them as they leave, in your mind or out loud, whichever works for you, "I bless you and this situation, I wish you happiness and fulfillment in the future" the blessing brings a bit of closure to what can be a tough situation sometimes.  

6. Gather your army, I have been reminded the past couple of months through personal experience, that if you have to face something scary don't do it alone, find the friends whom you trust, and can count on and have them help you through it as much as they can, it makes a difference.  Sometimes, when you are faced with a situation you just know who to go to, who you can talk to that will help you put it in perspective, and make you laugh and feel better in the process. 

7. Say thank you, sounds silly but those words mean a lot to those who hear them, and it reminds the person saying them that they aren't the only ones in the world and that sometimes you do require assistance, ask for and receive it humbly and always show sincere appreciation by saying "Thank You"  So to my friends, especially the ones that were there earlier this year when I was scared out of my wits for medical reasons "Thank You" sincerely and humbly, you knew what to say and how to make me laugh and I will never forget that, You are amazing and I am so lucky you are here! 

There are so many other lessons that I have been shown or re learned I could write a book! but these are some of the important ones, take them for what they are worth, apply them where you can and enjoy your life, have fun and be you!

Anger or Disappointment, choices...choices

Would you rather  be angry or disappointed about something or in someone?  Guess it all depends on the person(s) and situation.  For me, I believe that anger is an emotion, a feeling, it flashes and burns bright for a bit, but slowly dies out(talking anger here, not hatred, which is an entirely different thing). Disappointment, on the other hand, strikes more in the soul, and can wound on multiple levels.  A close friend told me once that anger is, 99% of the time,  misplaced fear and frustration, figure out what you are afraid of or what is frustrating you and a lot of the time it can help to dispell the anger.  Disappointment isn't so easy to get over, especially when it happens repeatedly, times in a row over the same situation or at the hands of the same person.  It hurts when someone is disappointed in you or when someone does something or doesn't do something, causing disappointment on your part.  It can rattle your nerves, and if done repeatedly, make you question their value in your life and your value in theirs.  Over time you come to expect disappointment from that person or situation,  the situation turned out not to be what you thought it would be, or that person didn't follow through on their word, at times leaving you a healthy combination of both anger and disappointment.  For me, I believe disappointment is harder to repair and harder to get over than anger, especially when it comes to people,  usually anger is directed at a situation where disappointment is usually directed at a person, I would rather be angry at someone than disappointed in them, I get over my anger, and if I truly care about you then when the anger is done we move forward, however disappointment...well that's another story.  I'm pretty patient and I tolerate a lot, especially from people I care about, but when you disappoint me, especially over and over again over the same situation then it shows me that maybe I expect to much from you or that I matter less to you than I thought, and that my feelings are of little concern, and then I don't get angry about it, I just stop giving a damn, and eventually, when I've reached my point I'll say "I'm done with you, screw you and the horse you rode in on" and then you'll be out of my life.   

Just do it..

Just do it...no I'm not talking about the shoe commercial, I'm talking about doing something just because.  Send flowers, bake cookies, write a letter, whatever, practice random acts of kindness and do it without expecting anything in return.  It's one of the nicest feelings, in my opinion, to do something for someone out of the blue, just because you want to and then see their look of surprise after it's done.   It doesn't have to be anything major or costly, sweep a neighbor's porch or take their trash can in for them one evening, share your flowers with them. Whatever the gesture may be do it with the expectation of..nothing in return, it's a selfless act of love and giving and that is what makes it even more important. When you do something with the expectation of getting something back, then I feel that you diminish the importance of the act, you aren't doing simply as a kind gesture, you are doing it because you have an ulterior motive, you want to be recognized by that person for what you have done, and you want to be noticed by them, and that kind of cancels out the selfless nature of the act. The thought of knowing that you helped that person out or made them smile should be thanks enough and should be your payment.  I've been able to do this recently and was able to help out two good friends of mine, kind of like a mini domino effect, simply because I was willing to do photography work for one of them and accept a trade instead of a payment to help the other get something they had be wanting for quite awhile, all done very quietly and with minimal people involved, it doesn't need to be a big production, the whole world doesn't need to know about it. (I told you all to show an example of how you can involve more than one person, I won't give names or any other details, they aren't important). I didn't think of myself, instead I was willing to give up payment and pass the benefit over to someone else.  So you see, even multiple people can benefit from one kind act.  Next time you see someone you know take a minute to think what you could do to make them smile and then, if you can just do it, don't expect anything in return, go on your way, and alot of times you find that you end up being rewarded in ways you didn't expect or imagine.